A Contently Unsatisfying Oxymoronic Paradox
by Naraku-chan
Summary: Weird. Yeah... Just... Weird. Heero's subconscious has a field day watching Duo at the pool. Hopefully Funny? It was meant to be, anyway. Shounen-ai
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me  
  
Notes: This is a frikin' weird story I thought up one day after having a GIANT pun war on a mailing list. We emailed each other back and forth, trying to insert as many bad puns into our discussions as possible. Hehe. So. Yeah. It's about a year old now. Also, unfortunately, the entire title wouldn't fit in the title-y place... So here's the actual title- not to mention the story.  
  
  
  
A Contently Unsatisfying Oxymoronic Paradox Paradise of Humorously Unamusing Puns  
  
  
Duo was sitting on a bed. It doesn't matter why. Well, actually, the why was mostly the fault of the author, who can't come up with anything more interesting than a bedroom for things to take place in. Not that a bedroom is always uninteresting. No no no, just that when there aren't two lovely young men in the bedroom, doing things that would squick the average person out, it's not a particularly exiciting place. Fortunatly, the author is not an average person. Also fortunatly, there actually _were_ two lovely young men in the room. However, unfortunatly, they were not doing anything that would squick the average person out. Unless you find thinking squicky, which, the author is becoming more and more convinced is indeed the case. For average people that is.  
  
So, since they were not doing anything remotely squicky, other than thinking, the bedroom ended up being one helluva boring place to be. This makes the author not happy. Not good things come from authors being not happy. So, since the author doesn't want not good things to happen (This is, after all, supposed to be Humorously Unamusing, not angst, which is Depressingly Unamusing) she's decided to change the scene.  
  
*****  
  
Duo was lying stretched out under an umbrella on a nude beach. It matters why. The why is mostly the fault of the author, who is a little hentai. But she just happens to think that the two aforementioned lovely young men might get a bit distracted and start doing those also aforementioned squicky-to-the-average-person kind of things. And, since, much to her irritation, the author doesn't write lemons, we can't have them doing that. So, once again, she's decided to change the scene.  
  
*****  
  
Duo was lying on a stretched out under an umbrella in front of a pool. But although Quatre _is_ rich and probably owns a pool, his pool is horribly overused, so it was a public pool, with all those annoying little kids running around splashing each other and you while you're trying to sleep and not get sunburned (so you're under an umbrella) and you're already annoyed that you've changed scenes so many times already, and can't get laid (preferably at that nude beach you just left) to save your life. So you decide to ignore the kids who really aren't there, but usually are, and you expected them, so it annoys you that they aren't there as scapegoats for your annoyance, and go back to what you had been thinking about way back when, in the bedroom.  
  
The author will stop speaking in second person now, and get on with it.  
  
Duo was thinking about puns. Puns that will abound in this piece of literature also known as a fanfic. But not your everyday puns. Two puns in particular, or rather, punpun. Punpun, which is a Japanese word, means piquant in English. No, not a type of nut often found in pies, but something else. Something the author didn't know the meaning of. The author had been surprised she didn't know what the hell this word meant, since she generally has an extremely large vocabulary. But, never being one to not admit when she doesn't know something, she looked it up in her beloved unabridged dictionary. Piquant ended up meaning... something she forgot. Hell with it. It described Heero rather well. Except that it seemed to imply a feeling of pleasantness, which does not apply to Heero awfully well, except in times of great OOCness. But it works well enough, and, since the punpun, or rather, pun, would not be there at all if it didn't apply to Heero, and it would have to do. For you see, yaoi- Or shounen ai- Or whatever you want to call it, runs rampant in this piece-of-literature-that-would-squick-the-average-person-out, otherwise known as a fanfic. It's also one of those fanfics of the 1x2/2x1 variety, so therefore, Duo must think about Heero in pleasing ways. Unless the author were writing something angsty. Which she is not.  
  
Back to the punpun puns. ... ... Well, not really, since there's not really much left to do with them. Heero could be described with the word punpun, but only in Duo's mind. And that was a pun. I think. But that's just the condensed version. Since that's getting boring, I'll move on to Heero's mind, so things don't stop being Humorously Unamusing and start being Depressingly Unamusing, but in a different way than angst.  
  
Over in Heero's head, things were not a series of ones and zeros, as is generally assumed (But never assume; it makes an ass out of u and me). Rather than ones and zeros, his mind ran in a series of ninmu ryokais and ninmu kanryous. Like say, if Heero wanted to move his arm, he would think. 'Mission: move arm. Ninmu ryokai.' Then he would proceed to move his arm. Then he would think, 'Ninmu kanryou.' Same for blinking, or sneezing, or anything he did. Pretty nifty, huh? Or course, for the average person, who gets squicked out about even simple thoughts, much less the complicated process of ninmu ryokai and ninmu kanryou, this whole procedure would be agonizingly slow. However, Heero, like the author, was not an average person. In fact, he was much less average than the author herself. Which is to say, that not only did he go through this process of ryokai and kanryou tens of billions of times a day, lightning fast, but thinking each action through, he was so un-squicked by the idea of two lovely young men in a room somewhere doing stuff that would squick the average person out, that he entertained notions of doing himself. This would be quite impossible for the author to do, considering her gender, therefore, she must draw the conclusion that Heero, along with every other male in the universe, must be less average than her. Unless, of course, they were squicked by that notion, which would probably be a good majority of those males, so that conclusion goes out the proverbial window.  
  
As Heero was lying by the pool, he was blissfully unaware that a small portion of his psyche was making a complete fool of itself somewhere entertaining notions was entertaining these notions, by telling jokes and dancing and the like. The notions liked it though. After all, a good majority of the male population never came to visit them. And since Heero was blissfully unaware (not that he does anything blissfully) It was rather hard for him to come to terms with this when it began to emerge. Lately, a third phrase had been invading that non-bliss of ninmu ryokai and ninmu kanryou.  
  
Ninmu shippai.  
  
It seemed to Heero that every time he even began to think of beginning to think of that phrase, a large, ominous sound, like a bass drum (or a piccolo) would go off, but it might just have been echoes of that portion of his psyche entertaining notions again. Anyway. A perfect example of that phrase being used was going on at the public pool.  
  
'Mission: take a drink of lemonade. Ninmu ryokai.' Naturally, several other missions had to be accomplished for this one, such as "move hand" and "move arm" but they're so nitpicky and overwhelming, the author's just going to give highlights. So anyway, Heero reached out his hand, got the glass of lemonade, put it to his lips and took a drink 'ninmu kanryou. Mission: put the lemonade back on the table. Ninmu ryokai' Thusly it happened 'ninmu kanryou.' Now don't we all feel happy for Heero? Anyway, through a series of carefully planned muscle movements, put smoothly together so as to look natural, which it was for Heero, or as close to natural as he can come, he turned his head to look at Duo. 'Hn. Shinigami, huh? Amigami is more like it'[1] Well, it seemed Heero _was_ capable of independent thought outside of 'ninmu ryokai' and 'ninmu kanryou', but for observation only. 'I wonder why he's under an umbrella.' Heero, being of the skin type not to burn, which makes the author mad with jealousy, was not under an umbrella, and was tanning away in the hot sun. Which makes the author drool with the sort of happiness that can only come from seeing a bishounen being sexy without knowing it. 'Mission: quit thinking about Duo. Ninmu ryokai' Heero sat there a minute, looking increasingly sexy. And then thought, 'He looks really good without a shirt on.' And without the direction of a mission, Heero grinned. Which made the author's eyes roll up into her head and pass out momentarily. Perhaps, she decided, she was writing Heero too cute for her own good.   
  
All too soon, that pass-out-inducing grin disappeared, a piccolo sounded, the thought 'ninmu shippai' floated across a certain bishounen's mind, and that same bishounen was left about as shocked as is possible in all parts of himself except for that little bit of psyche that had dug a pogo stick and a tricycle out of a closet somewhere and was currently trying to ride both of them at once while juggling several large goldfish, aka carp, aka koi, and making several references to puns, but not punpun puns, just puns, and bad ones at that, about koi fish and koi people, which if translated just right, is koibito, and just who he wanted that koibito to be.  
  
Oh yeah. Those notions were definitely entertained.  
  
  
  
  
  
[1] Amigami=braid 


	2. chapter 2

A Contently Unsatisfying Oxymoronic Paradox Paradise of Humorously Unamusing Puns  
Chapter 2  
  
  
Little did Heero know, the only entertaining part of him was just as smart and calculating as the rest of him, and as it sang, told jokes and did other generally amusing things, (and the author can tell you, Heero singing, no matter how far into his subconscious it might be, is pretty damn amusing. Not to mention painful[1]) it was silently planning a hostile takeover. It may have seemed unfair to the rest of poor Heero dear, but that stuff would all still be there, just... a little more fun. And Heero could definitely use a little more fun in his personality. The author chooses not to say he use a little more fun in his _life_ because he already had Duo, who was just about the epitome of fun. Well, except for his little "hidden dark side" but that's not the sort of fic being written here. After all, we can't have guys in big helmets breathing everywhere and saying "Duo! I am your father. Come to the dark side!" Yeah. That wouldn't be good.  
  
Now, um, let's see...  
  
Oh yes, that little part of Heero figured that if it could just entertain those notions a little more, it could get them to form an army. A proverbial league of notions! United notions! And it was close... so close.... and then... they would take over!!!! WHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Meanwhile, it was stuck in some cheesy nightclub juggling flaming torches and wearing clown noses. It blamed its whole predicament on that infernal training we hear so much about. After all, if all that hadn't happened, it never would have had to recruit notions in the most degrading way possible, it would have been out in the open, free to lust after one Duo Maxwell to its heart content. For a minute, it considered whether Heero would have even met Duo had he not gone through all that training and entered the war. But hypothetical situations were pointless, and it had a job to do. Before Heero's bit of psyche could stop itself, it hypothesized a world without hypothetical situations. It told it the notions about this as part of its routine, but they booed it. It was sure to take the time to apologize for the old joke. After all, it didn't want to get on their personified bad sides. The author says 'personified' bad sides, because notions don't really have bad sides. Not really.  
  
Meanwhile, Heero was having inner turmoil, completely unaware of the inner turmoil of parts of himself he was completely unaware of. Or is that redundant? No matter, anyway. He had failed a mission. A mission failure. Him, the perfect soldier, had failed a mission? 'And where does that piccolo sound keep coming from?' The author thinks that that little bit of psyche should hurry it up, because the consciousness Heero was currently using seemed to be outlasting it's warranty a bit. As you know, consciousnesses only last so long before they are replaced with a new, slightly modified version. But Heero had been doing the whole "ninmu ryokai" "ninmu kanryou" thing for a very long time now, and little bits and pieces were starting to wear out.  
  
'Mission: self-destruct. Ninmu ryokai.' He considered jumping in the pool and drowning himself. 'No, too undignified.' Normally, he wouldn't have been worried about dignity, but drowning in three feet of liquid that was roughly 30% chlorine, 50% kiddie piss, 10% water, and 10% dead bugs seemed to be overdoing it a bit.  
  
Heero wondered why they couldn't have just stayed on the nude beach. The view hadn't been bad either... He looked over at Duo again. 'If I've already failed a mission, then do it again, is it really failing it, or can I only fail once per mission?...Damn piccolo.' The author, not really being able to hear the elusive piccolo, was starting to get very scared by now, but Heero was still sexy as hell, so she forgave him and got on with the story.  
  
'Mission: Think of ways to complete previously stated mission. Ninmu ryouki' Heero thought for a minute, but occurred to him that as long as his options were open, his method of decease didn't really _have_ to painful. Sure, dying hurt like hell, but you know, the ancient Greek culture believed that there were many levels to hell, so in theory, dying could conceivably be quite pleasant indeed. Since Heero didn't know an awful lot about pleasantries, he decided to ask his main source of information on this subject. Duo Maxwell. 'Mission: Ask Duo how to kill oneself pleasantly. Ninmu ryoukai.' Heero was beginning to become somewhat apprehensive about all these ryokais and not a single kanryou, but he could get through this. 'Mission: complete previous missions before taking any more. Ninmu Ryo- hey wait a minute...' Anyway, he decided not to think of anymore missions (which involved taking another one, through his train of thought, but that's not important. Really) and just complete the earlier missions.  
  
"Duo?"  
  
Duo had fallen asleep under that umbrella, in an effort not to think about annoying little kids who weren't actually there, and didn't hear Heero call his name. Well, actually, he did, but considering the sort of dream he was having at that particular time, he interpreted it in a completely different manner than intended.  
  
"Heero..." He mumbled slightly huskily.  
  
Heero took notice of the strange tone of voice, but took it as more of a 'just been asleep' kind of voice. He couldn't have been more wrong... Well, actually, he _could_ have. He could have thought small, cookie-cutter shaped aliens from Neptune were invading Duo's voice box, thusly making it lower, or something equally ludicrous, but it's not very likely, so for everyday purposes, it's doubtful he could have been more incorrect. Anyway, going back to the earlier slightly saner insanity, Heero asked, "Can you think of a quick, painless way for me to die?" He hated asking for help, but thinking of ways to kill himself on his own was reminding him of his failed mission, which kept setting off that damn foreboding piccolo. A bass drum probably would have been more appropriate, but noooooo, his mind had to be _weird_ and make a _high pitched_ noise. He pondered what Sigmund Freud would have had to say about that.  
  
Duo, in response to the question asked a while ago, (so you may want to read that last paragraph again, in case you forgot it entirely) shifted in his cheap plastic lawn chair and giggled a bit in his sleep. Then mumbled in a slightly-less-than-half coherent state "Been reading Shakespeare Hee-chan? It won't be quick unless you want it that way, and it'll probably hurt a bit, but what's a little pain to the perfect soldier?" The braided boy giggled slightly drunkenly and shifted again.  
  
'Shakespeare? Hee-chan? What is he talking about? But he does have a point about the pain. I can handle it.' "Okay... how?"  
  
"Ya mean, you don't know? Well, 'sokay, I'll show ya!" In his dream, Duo rolled over to do all kinds of things-that-would-squick-the-average-person-out to the bishounen lying next to him, but in real life, he rolled over to fall off the cheap plastic lawnchair. He probably would have preferred the first option, and so would the author, but that's the way the ball bounces. (Now that squicks even the author out, but only in certain context) "Ouch!" Duo sat up on the hard concrete and looked up at Heero, who was looking down at him expectantly.  
  
"Well?" Heero prompted  
  
"Well what?" Duo asked, rubbing his head, which had gotten knocked against the concrete.  
  
"How do you suggest I kill myself?"  
  
"Nani??!!?! Why do you wanna do that?" Duo was thoroughly confused and trying desperately to hide the evidence of his dream with a paper cocktail umbrella, which looked really quite odd if you didn't know what he was trying to do.  
  
Heero sighed OOC-ly. He had been hoping he wouldn't have to explain this. But he would be dead in a little while anyway, so it was all moot. "I failed a mission."  
  
Duo looked up at Heero with a very strange what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about? look on his face. "What the hell are you talking about?" Anyone who says Duo doesn't say everything on his mind, or face, rather, is flat out lying.  
  
"You're always saying that all I think about is missions. You're right. I was thinking about you, and I made it my mission not to, but I couldn't stop, which means a mission failure, and the only option is self-destruction."  
  
Duo eyes bugged. Not the same sort of bug that 10% of the pool was made up of, just the sort of bug where his already huge, beautiful, eyes got even more huge, but not really more beautiful, unless you have really weird taste. You know, the sort that finds chibis sexually attractive. Now that's weird. Anyway, his wide eyes got wider, and he managed to say, or choke, whichever verb strikes your fancy, "Thinking? About me?"  
  
Heero nodded sloooooooooowly. As though Duo were stuuuuuuuuuupid. But he wasn't; he was just shocked. "Thinking. About you." He confirmed.  
  
Inside that little corner of Heero's brain, one by one, the notions were becoming bored of that little bit of psyche's over-eager attempts to entertain them. And, as they noticed what was going on in the land of consciousness, they became intrigued and went to see what was happening. Much to the bit's dismay. As a result of this curiosity, suddenly Heero found himself _consciously_ entertaining these notions of dragging the boy next to him away and doing things that would squick the average person out, and the author does mean more than just thinking. Mysteriously, information gathered in Literature class about Shakespeare and metaphorical meanings of "death" sprung to the forefront of his mind. He couldn't, for the life of him think of why he hadn't remembered earlier. Like pieces of a puzzle sliding into place, and other things sliding into place that won't be mentioned here, Heero figured it out. The knowledge of the existence of wet dreams helped too.  
  
Much to Duo's partial terror, partial joy, a slow smile spread across Heero's face. "I have an idea on how I can die..." He leered. Heero Yuy actually leered at Duo. "You can help."  
  
Duo wasn't entirely sure what was going on, but he sure wasn't complaining. And notions of his own were beginning to form. Along about the same tracks as Heero's were. And by a strange, but not-so-coincidental coincidence, the author was beginning to form notions of her own.  
  
Suddenly, the boys found themselves laying nude on a beach with a sign marked "Private Property of Duo Maxwell and Heero Yuy, KEEP OFF" They weren't sure where they had acquired a beach, but they were too busy doing other things to think about it very long.   
  
This was all very disappointing to the bit of Heero's psyche, who had been working very hard to get the support of those damned notions, just to have all its hopes and dreams brutally ripped and torn away. It walked depressedly offstage to the bar in the sleazy nightclub. The sleazy nightclub didn't really exist, it was just something created by the combined wills of the repressed bit of psyches from all human beings. Which means, somewhere, somehow, some part of you is pretty much always sloshed. Which might explain a few things. The bit couldn't, for the personified life of it, (as bits of psyches don't really have lives, especially not this one) figure out how the dominant side of Heero had managed to develop a personality, after all, that's what _it_ should have been there for, right? Notions, it decided, were very powerful things.  
  
For the first time in its life, the depressed, repressed, bit of Heero sat down to get sloshed. Which might explain a few things as well. Ironically, it happened to, accidentally, not on purpose, and through absolutely _no_ meddling by the author, sit down next to a little bit of someone's repressed psyche with a sign on its back labeling it as "Duo's Hidden Dark Side."  
  
It twisted its around to look at it's own personified back to see a sign labeling it as "Heero's Hidden Personality." Over the sign was a stamp he didn't remember getting, labeling him, in red ink even, as "VOID."  
  
Heero's VOID Hidden Personality sobbed into its drink. It blamed it all on the notions. They simply refused to be entertained.  
  
Duo's Hidden Dark Side turned to him, "can't get out either, huh?" he asked, completely flatly.  
  
Heero's VOID Hidden Personality hiccuped. "no, and look! I'm _VOID_!!"  
  
Duo's Hidden Dark Side inspected Heero's VOID Hidden Personality's sign very closely. "Yes, I see." he grinned slowly, "how... depressing."  
  
Heero's VOID Hidden Personality looked at Duo's Hidden Dark side warily. "You enjoy pain and depression, don't you?"  
  
Duo's Hidden Dark Side shrugged "Well, I _am_ a Dark Side, aren't I?"  
  
Heero's VOID Hidden Personality got an adorably confused look on its personified face. "Wait, wasn't there a reference to you earlier in this piece-of-literature-also-known-as-a-fanfic?"  
  
Duo's Hidden Dark Side grinned suggestively "Heero's VOID Hidden Personality, I am your daddy. Come to the Dark Side."  
  
Due to this bizarre, twisted reference to Star Wars, Heero's VOID Hidden Personality suddenly didn't feel so bad about being VOID anymore, and suddenly began entertaining a whole new, but similar, set of notions. It didn't really appreciate them when they tried to follow Duo's Hidden Dark Side and it into a bedroom, though.  
  
On a semi-unrelated note, the author would like to point out that the piece-of-literature-also-known-as-a-fanfic began and ended in a bedroom. Except not really, since she decided to make a semi-unrelated note.  
  
  
OWARI, DAMMIT!  
  
  
  
[1] Actually, I rather like Hikaru Midorikawa's singing, but who am I to go against popular jest? 


End file.
